Wonder

   It never ceases to frustrate me- the finite nature of my mind. I am constantly irritated that I can't wrap my mind around the Trinity, or eternity, or the complete Godhood/Manhood of Christ. Sometimes this seems to me to be a dignified virtue of sorts. As though I am some great thinker and seeker of God because I wish I understood. Other times though, it seems almost blasphemous. How dare I, little man, even consider trying to fit so huge a God in such a small space as my mind? What right have I to seek out that which God has been seemingly purposeful in hiding? And I begin to wonder if I’m allowed to wonder. Am I allowed to try to figure it out? Even more I wonder if I’m allowed to ask for the ability to understand.

   I like to go outside when I think such deep thoughts. Maybe it feels philosophical as though I am searching the heavens for answers. Or maybe I feel like my thoughts can reach bigger proportions if there aren’t walls or ceilings to hinder their growth. Truly though, if I’m honest with myself, I’m sure my thoughts couldn’t fill up my linen closet, let alone my bedroom. They certainly don’t need so great an expanse as the sky. So maybe I just like being outside, to feel natural, more in touch with the direct creation of God.

   So then why doesn’t human contact seem as comfortable or natural to me? Why does it seem so suffocating to talk to another person? Maybe it’s because I'm so self addicted. In conversations I seek out affirmation and compliments and advice on my current affairs. I try to give my input and my advice. I try to make the other person like me more or understand me better. I certainly don’t want them to get the wrong idea about me. 

   Really, human contact should seem the most natural I suppose. Humans are not only the direct creation of God, they were created to think, look, feel, talk and act like Him. And even more interestingly, the life in them is the personal breath of God breathed into them at birth. 

Maybe relationships would be less suffocating and more natural if instead I would seek to understand the nature and the character of the other person. Perhaps if I would seek to find God in my relationships and conversations, He would reveal more of Himself to me. And I wouldn’t have to worry if wonder were a virtue or a sin. Because wonder would become awe.